This Is highly embarrassing and i can’t believe I’m sharing it in an open blog forum, but needs a must! To become UP, one of the pillars is honesty – so here we go.
I don’t really like myself as a person too much. I’m selfish, can be incredibly petty and with those closest to me, I am rather Impatient and angry. I always, ALWAYS put myself first and think how situations will effect me before I even consider others, and I am partial to the odd white lie.
I never really thought about it too closely as it’s not the sort of thing one likes to dwell on, but the last few months have made me realise I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be someone I don’t even like.
I want to be Ultra Pop, the best version of myself I can possibly be. Honest, genuine, caring, putting others before myself, flexible, interested (not just interesting) and loving. I want to change my rigidity of how I set out my day and do spur of the moment outings with my friends. I want to pick up the phone and call my grandparents, not because I have it scheduled in my diary but because I WANT to at that point in time. I don’t want to stress about money, or staying as skinny as I can, or rushing around to fit everything in.
I’ve written what Ultra Pop encompasses on a piece of paper, which I’m getting in the habit of reading when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. Throughout the day, I affirm to myself over and over: “I am Ultra Pop, I am Ultra Pop, I am Ultra Pop”, and now and then I write a big “UP” in vivid on my hand. Crazy? I’ll claim it.
I often feel I don’t know who I am. I’ve always felt a bit like Ditto the Pokemon, able to merge into situations as needed as a character. In some circles, that’s a crazy, fun, spontaneous (or so it appears) party girl. In others, it’s a serious, intellectually speaking brain. And further others may see an anxious, nerve-ridden wreck. If I had to describe myself in one word it would be this: Unsure.
But regardless of whatever is my true character, I want to be Ultra Pop. And I firmly believe I’m going to find her in India. UP, UP, UP, UP.