Yesterday afternoon something amazing happened.
I was immersed in an asana, intently concentrating on lengthening my torso, when I realised ED hadn’t bugged me for two hours. TWO HOURS. I wouldn’t say I’d forgotten him per se, his constant presence had just taken a back seat for 120minutes or so.
This is insane to me. Usually, ED jaunts every waking moment and usually those asleep too. He berates me, puts me down, and sparks a fire of guilt whenever I consume anything. Calories are counted like a country’s census, opportunities to burn then off are seized upon with gusto and my mind is in constant turmoil; to eat or not to eat? But not today.
This only ever happens when I’ve had a few wines and am slightly past the tipsy stage, one of the reasons I so enjoy socialising. However, this often goes a step too far and I wake up in the morning despising myself as I’ve indulged in a feast in my drunken state, usually my binge of choice being cheese and tomato sauce (I know right? I could at least have a pie or something). So to be stone cold sober and ED not bothering me was something else.
I have minimal quilt over the food here. It is all so unbelievably fresh, clean and low calorie while still being highly nutritious. The other girls eat the naan, rice and dhal which I continue to refuse, but maybe by the end of the month I might be able to manage a few mouthfuls without days of remorse following.
I can feel myself changing, I really can. As I learn about chakras, prana and doshas I am starting to feel differently about my body and am viewing it in an alternative light to what I always have in the past. It’s incredible, this thing. It’s a complex, intricate pipeline with so many incredible processes happening simultaneously and constantly. It needs to be fueled and given energy to function.
People have been telling me that forever. “You need to eat to survive,” “You need to nourish your body,” “You need food for energy.” But it’s only now, after strenuous activity both mental and physical, that I can actually feel the good, clean food replenishing my insides. And it feels fantastic!
Yesterday, I ate a banana for the first time in a year and I felt brilliant. I also had potato in my vegetable medly, and it was delicious. There was no guilt. There is no guilt now. It was a massive step.
I watch Oce and her joy in eating. She marvels at the colours and the appearance of her food, makes great noises of satisfaction as she delights in its taste and texture. It’s a tonic to be around such a person as it’s making me realise how it should really be.
Anil the cook adores cooking for us. He takes great pride in presenting us with each meal, widely beams when we tell him how delicious it is and is constantly trying to offload more on our trays. He gives me mountains of vegetables and each mealtime has prepared something new for me especially. Amrit told us there is only love in the food as Anil is so passionate and cooks with love. I always considered these sorts of ideas as wishy washy crap but now I’m starting to understand. The love and energy within it is able to be absorbed when it’s consumed.
Rather than mealtimes terrifying me, I’m actually looking forward to them. I’m getting in touch with hunger cues, something I haven’t been able to pick up on in years. I can feel when I’m hungry and feel when I’ve had sufficient. The having-just-eaten sensation no longer gives me the urge to run for the nearest bathroom.
I am becoming more in tune and aware of my body. I feel up pulse in my wrists. I feel the buzz in my ankles. I am constantly pulling up to work on my posture. Whenever sitting is required, I perch on a brick in a bid to keep myself erect (that word always makes me giggle no matter how old I get), sometimes for upwards of an hour.
I’ve bitten my nails since I was about seven, and this morning I suddenly realised that since I’ve been here I haven’t nibbled at them at all. Not once! They’re long, and while I wouldn’t say luscious or strong, they are heading there. I used to take great delight in cleaning my nails when I was a kid, so I borrowed Eva’s nail file and did so for the first time in over 20 years. Just this simple act brought me so much joy!
I’m changing. Slowly slowly, day by day, but I am. I don’t think ED will ever fully leave me; I’m open to it, but his vicer-like grip on me has been extreme for as long as I can remember. But maybe, just maybe, his hold is lessening. I really pray it’s true.