Feeling: AGITATED, UNSETTLED, FUCKED OFF, DISTRESSED
Today I woke up in a panic. I don’t know if I had bad dreams or what was going on but I was nervy, uneasy and jumpy and I just couldn’t shake it.
I couldn’t settle into yoga practice, I was so agitated. I couldn’t balance, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t calm my mind. My heart was pounding and I was wrought up.
Poor Prateen, the shy instructor of the morning class. My restlessness soon gave way to frustration, irritation and eventually peaked at me being extremely fucked off. I thumped my fists as I overbalanced on the warrior pose, made angry grunts as my mat bunched up beneath my legs and angrily tore off my bra after the enclosure of my chest got too much. (Don’t worry, I did so out of view of the poor boy).
I’m an idiot. We are constantly being told to listen to our bodies but being the immensely stubborn lass I am, I ignored my body’s pleadings. The silent cries of “I’m tired! I can’t go as hard today” on part of my muscles was ignored and I pushed and pushed and pushed myself. Taking it easy? For the weak, I retorted.
As a result I was even crankier because I couldn’t perform like I was yesterday. For the first time since I’ve been here I finished a session not feeling sensational and serene. And this mindset continued.
Until I stopped. Took big deep breaths. Had a few sprays of rescue remedy. Stretched out my tensions and snuck in an hour nap. I told myself when I woke up, I would start afresh. And I did.
Whenever a wave of agitation started to arise I swallowed it down and breathed through it. After awhile, the ebb and flow completely dispersed. I cannot tell you why or what bought it on (extremely broken sleep last night? Overworking myself? Just one of those days?) but instead of letting it rule my day completely I consciously overturned my mindset and had a FABULOUS afternoon.
Eva and I took advantage of a cancelled class and walked to Lakshman Jhula, the nearest wee hub. I bought a few pressies and an amazing tapestry for myself, then we went to a little cafe called Little Buddha. We sat and watched the river and relaxed completely.
On the way home the monsoon reawakened and it poured and instead of being grumpy, we linked arms and laughed giddily in the rain. It was in extreme polarisation to my morning self. I was happy and carefree.
The afternoon yoga class was sensational. I bent further, lent longer and lifted higher than ever before. After it finished I was full of energy still, so I donned my iPod and ran laps and lengths of the yoga studio for 29 minutes. I set up a makeshift obstacle course of hurdle and jumps, and danced and twirled around as the thunder and lightening crackled and rumbled outside. It was incredible.
For the past few months, whenever I’ve woken up in a negative frame of mind it’s continued for the entirety of the day. Though those I came into contact with would probably never guess (aside from the ones who bared the brunt of it, namely Deb), inner angry Pop was there from dawn to dusk.
But being here has made me catch myself and change the mindset. The morning me to the evening me were at completely different ends of the spectrum.
Let’s hope I manage to perfect this mindset manipulation to always have happy days when I go home. Life is far too precious to waste valuable time being on edge and angry.