Feeling: STUBBORN, & STUBBORNLY READY TO CHANGE MY STUBBORNESS
I’m a pretty stubborn lass.
No! I hear you say. Never! Would absolutely have never have guessed it! (Quit the sarcasm please). It’s only being here I’ve realised how this stubborness streak, along with my innate future-orientated mind, has infiltrated every aspect of my life and is shackling me back from truly living.
My diary is my bible. I’ve eluded to this before, but I cannot put across how key this book of lists and jotting-downs is vital to every single one of my days.
One day when I was at Uni I was sprinting down to the train and on reaching Britomart, I realised my diary wasn’t in my bag. I literally broke down on the esculator. I ran all the way back up to the tower and the joy on finding it patiently waiting at the desk I’d been at was indescribable; it was like being reunited with a long lost child. Though there was guilt on my part at the neglect and a promise to never forget it again.
I’m always so organised with a plan set out for each and every day so as to get the most out of it. But all this “be in the moment” stuff is getting me pondering my approach; is my tight scheduling really getting the most out of each day? As I’m rushing around, trying to fit everything in so I can check it off and feel satisfied, I’m missing out on chance meetings with people, with observing the beauty of life, with spontaneous decisions. I’m never in the moment, my mind always always switched onto the next step.
When I’m at the gym, I’m thinking about work. When I’m at work, I’m thinking about going home and doing the jobs jotted in my diary. While I’m at home, I’m thinking about tomorrow, planning the following day and thinking about the gym. And so it goes in. And it’s such a waste.
And this tendency (ok, obsession) to think ahead comes into every aspect of my life. Case in point, the niggly lock.
We padlock our bedrooms here upon leaving them for classes or outings, each having a key which we take with us (I’m sorry, I didn’t have to go into how padlocks work, but for story’s sake, go with it). Now and then the locks can be a little temperamental and not open for you first go. Usually when your arms are crammed with books, water bottles and highlighters.
The other day mine just wouldn’t budge. I swear it was taking the piss. I was getting irrant. I was in a hurry. In my mind, I was already downstairs telling Amrit that my lock wouldn’t open; I was going over what I had on me and how long I could manage without getting into my room; I was contemplating whether the men would have bolt cutters, or would I or them have to go and purchase some? Would I have to miss class? I could always copy Eva’s notes later I guess. Between dinner and pranayama…
I stopped. Caught myself. Took a deep breath. Twisted the key and click! Open sesame. Small example, but it highlights my forward focused disposition.
Ever just watched a child play? They’re not worried about what’s for dinner or school on Monday. They are fully in the moment, completely enthralled by the sandpit/doll/toy of choice. Now I’m not saying I don’t want to ever be future orientated; a little forward planning and list of to-do’s is responsible and stops erratic behaviour and forgetting things. But I am hellbent on getting my inner child out to have more of a play.
I’m also getting used to being corrected. Shock alert; being criticised, however constructively, isn’t something I take very well. I like to think I nail it in everything, every time. Being constantly corrected here has me incrementally getting used to and adept at taking fault findings without a sense of failure.
Yesterday we were doing The Scorpion and the King of Asana – the Headstand. Eva is quite experienced at yoga and has the core and arm strength of a body building superstar, so she is able to engage and hold such positions extremely well. I on the other hand….
Stubborness mixed with minor biceps and forearm strength proves quite an interesting combination. While the head demands success, the body denies triumph. I managed to fleetingly get the Headstand off the wall and hold, but it was all through willpower. My body wasn’t happy.
I’ve never included weights as part of a workout. Although light exercises have been painstakingly put into my programmes by trainers, I’ve always absolutely avoided them for fear of getting big arms. Even when on the Isagenix buzz, as soon as some bicep delineation raised face the shakes stopped.
But this drive to nail both the headstand and scorpion has started overriding the desire to have skinny arms. Fuck skinny arms! I want to succeed at the Scorpion. Even Rajeesh said, “You won’t do it with these matchstick arms”. I’ll show you Rajeesh.
I’m off to plank.