Feeling: FURIOUS. ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS.
I am livid with someone.
Absolutely boilingly, irately, ragingly livid.
And they have no idea.
Even in my “I love everyone!” India state of mind, I got passed on some information this morning that enhanced the fury already simmering away for a certain someone. I’m not going to go into the who/what/why of it all – it’s not necessary or appropriate to share.
The fact is I’m angry. Incensed. Apoplectic.
She hasn’t actually done anything to me personally; it’s how she’s behaved, acted and treated someone I love dearly. And when someone is close to my heart, I am fiercely loyal to them. And this morning an update on a situation turned up the heat.
All day I’ve been fucked off. I keep thinking of this person, inwardly cursing them, and wanting to get my phone and give them a piece of my mind. (Luckily – for both them and my own repercussions – I can’t contact them as they don’t have FB and my NZ sim doesn’t work to txt or call). This anger has taken over my body and it’s insane the effect it’s had.
My body is tense and rigid. My shoulders are raised and taut. My breathing – which I have so so so carefully changed to be in and out of my nose – has been sharp and shallow, and I’ve caught myself inhaling through my mouth a couple of times. And my mind, which I’ve slowly been clearing the cotton wall away from, has become a hectic beehive once again.
I’ve been short-tempered and snappy. Not outwardly to people; no, I’ve been a ray of sunshine on the outside. But inside I’ve been damning and blaspheme-ing everyone for the slightest things.
I couldn’t focus and balance in my asanas in the afternoon class at first. I couldn’t settle. I was a ball of elastic bands, twanging with tension.
Early this morning I even shot off an email to my confidant and favourite person in the world, Uncle Cock (because a penis-related nickname is so much funnier than “Ricahrd”). I included the word “hate” in it in regards to this person. I feel quite ashamed now.
I’m trying to eradicate “hate” from my personal vocabulary selection, unless it is being used in reference to war, cancer or sweet chilli sauce. Otherwise “heavilly dislike” is the most hostile I will allow myself to go. So to brashly bust out “hatred” is evidence of my wildness.
Then I caught myself. I checked over my body and saw the negative effects it was having. I took a step back and observed what this fury was doing to me, both inside and out. Such wasted energy! Such consuming mind space! Such pointless emotion! Just an all round waste of time. Especially when she has no clue how I feel.
I remember in RE learning all about forgiveness and its importance, yada yada yada. How it’s vital to learn to forgive. Not necessarily forget, but to forgive. Otherwise you harbour bitterness and hold a heavy burden which weighs you down and implicates your personhood.
So I’m going to try to let go. I’m going to stop any waves of fury that start to rage through me. I’m going to try and view the situation from her perspective. I’m going to try and forgive.