I’m shitting myself about my return home. 

The fear is stemming from two reasons: 1. Having opened up about ED and baring my soul a bit, I’m slightly unnerved about being around people who have read PopYarns. 2. I’m terrified about being back in the environment where ED controlled my day-to-day existence. What if all the progress and steps away from his grip that I’ve made are rendered reversed? 

I’m still having ED-related urges; I don’t expect to be fully free or anything, I’m not that optimistic. But instead of being married, absolutely shackled to the bastard, it’s like I’ve taken a trial separation. I’m hoping to make it permanent as time goes on. And hopefully, it will lead to divorce. I think he’ll always be part of my life, but I’m hoping in the role of ex-husband rather than current controlling spouse. 

What if when I get home it envelops me in a tight grip again? I’ve said to to mum and dad that every night it’s feasible I’m going to sit and have dinner with them. Not what they’re having (the thought of that makes me shudder), but just eat in their company and slowly gain a bit more normality in the home setting. 

I want to slowly introduce things. A piece of fish once a week. I’m going to try have a banana every morning for breakfast (usually I don’t eat until 2pm at the earliest). I want to learn to cook, forge a relationship with food that isn’t based on distress and pain.

I guess it’s a good thing I’m so stubborn. I’m going to set my mind to it now so when I get home I’m hellbent on achieving these goals. 

I’ve always associated “healthy” “well” or “looking good” with gaining weight. People think they may be paying me a compliment, but such remarks have me in hysterics as soon as I’m on my lonesome. I’m worried when I get back I may get comments such as these and  let them counteract my progress. I need to switch my mindset to taking these as positive, not negative. 

And the thought of people knowing all this stuff? Holy fuck, I’m almost breaking out in hives. In the middle of the night the last few days I’ve woken in panic. Why have I been so cavalier and forthcoming?! It’s easy to be so when I’m behind a screen a zillion miles away. But the thought of being questioned in the street? I start sweating in terror. 

Maybe one day I may be an advocate. But right now I’m just trying to be a fighter. It may be being shared on a public forum, but it’s very much a personal crusade. 

I’m going to take it day by day. I think the determination that’s been planted in me has taken a firm root, and I’m not going to let it be wrenched out without a fully fledged fight.

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